SMUT IS NO WIMP!

January 4, 2014

Smut, my black Lab, woke me up about 4 AM New Year’s Eve. “I need to go to South Dakota,” he said. “Will you get up and drive me there now?”

“What? You silly dog, I’m not going to drive you to South Dakota or anywhere else. Go to sleep!”

“I have to go NOW!” Smut barked at me. “It’s urgent! LUX needs me!”

“What are you talking about, Smut? What is LUX? No, I don’t want to know. Just let me go back to sleep.” I shoved him away from the bed with my foot and pulled the covers over my head. “Just get out!”

“This is not debatable,” Smut said imperatively. “CMS contacted me about a half-hour ago and said I have to help LUX!”

I was awake now, without any chance of getting back to sleep. I got out of bed grudgingly, went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot. While the coffee was brewing, I told Smut to go to the living room and sit. He did, pulling his smoking jacket around him tightly, and straightening his fez, but he looked irritated.

“From the beginning now, tell me what you’re talking about,” I directed.

“CMS—that’s the Canine Message Service—barked me up to tell me that LUX is having trouble with an experiment, and they can’t find a WIMP, so they need me ASAP.”

“Wait, Canine Message Service did what? Barked you up?”

“That’s not important,” he said. “What’s important is that I need to go to South Dakota!”

“What is LUX? It can’t find what?”

“LUX is the Large Underground Xenon experiment in the Black Hills,” Smut explained. “To find dark matter, they buried a tank filled with liquid xenon surrounded by rock and a tank of water, all a mile underground. The only thing that gets through to the xenon tank will be WIMPs, weakly interacting massive particles. But they can’t detect any.”

“Maybe they aren’t there,” I remarked, pleased with myself for offering a solution to his physics problem.

“You silly human,” Smut said in an exasperated tone. “Of course they may not be there, but if they are and the experiment’s not set up right, we won’t know, will we? Oh, the coffee’s ready, by the way. Will you get me a cup with cream?”

When I returned with the coffee, one with cream and one black, I told Smut, “Well, we’re not going to South Dakota. The Black Hills are almost 2,000 miles from here.”

“Is that very far,” Smut asked. “Will we be back for supper?”

“No, because we’re not going,” I answered.

Just then, I heard the dogs down the road barking loudly.

“Never mind, Smut said,” CMS just let me know that LUX discovered the error in their experiment. They’ll reconfigure it and try again, so we don’t have to go to South Dakota this year.” He poured himself a dram of my scotch whisky, reached for his meerschaum pipe, and leaned back in his chair, no longer concerned about LUX and WIMPs, having received the message from CMS.

Smut licked his lips and asked, “What are you fixing for breakfast, then? Bacon?”

As I stared at the old black dog—dark matter, to be sure—through sleep-deprived eyes, it occurred to me that he may have detected a wimp after all: me.

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SMUT USES COLOGNE

December 29, 2013

My black Lab Smut walked out on the pier where I was fishing and watched me for a moment, then asked, “If you catch a fish, what will you do with it?”

“I’ll scale it, clean it, filet it, dredge it in cornmeal, and fry it for supper,” I said.

“Well, if you catch two fish, I don’t mind you doing that with the second one,” Smut said, “but don’t cook mine. And don’t bother scaling it or cleaning it either, please.” In Smut’s mind, if I only caught one fish, it would be his.

“You mean,” I asked, “if I catch a fish for you, you don’t want me to cook it?”

“No,” Smut said, “I want it for something else.”

“Well, I’m not having any luck. Let’s go back to the house.” I began gathering my gear to head back.

“You have no patience,” Smut observed. “You’ve only been at it for three or four hours. I really need a fish!”

“Smut, if you have more patience than I do, you’re welcome to use the gear and catch a fish yourself,” I told him. But the lazy old dog ignored my offer and followed me back to the house.

When we were settled inside, I with my cup of hot coffee, and Smut with his glass of Scotch whisky, we went to the living room. Smut sat in his favorite easy chair, placed the whisky on an end table, reached over to the humidor and pulled out a Cuban cigar. I know: it’s illegal to have them, but Smut has habits that must be satisfied.

“Mind if I smoke,” he said, not so much as a question but an announcement.

“You know I do,” I replied, “but that never stops you.”

He ignored me, sipped some whisky, and lit up. He was the figure of sophistication and erudition in his red fez and burgundy smoking jacket, and his Advanced Particle Physics text on the table beside him.

“Smut,” I said, “You didn’t want me to cook you a fish! I’ve never known you to turn down food. What do you want a fish for?”

“Well, if you must know, I want to get a date.”

“So? What’s that got to do with fish?”

“A fish will help me attract a date,” he said.

“Don’t understand, Smut. How will a fish help you attract a date?”

“Fish don’t reach their full potential until they’ve been dead on the beach under the sun for a while,” he replied didactically. “Then they become aphrodisiacs, you see.”

“They become rotten and disgusting,” I pointed out. “Why do you think they become aphrodisiacs?”

After taking a puff of his cigar, he told me, “When they’re just right, the aroma is overpowering.”

“Can’t argue with that, dog.”

“Then I can roll on it and get all smelled up. Female dogs find it extremely sexy and appealing. Don’t expect me home all night when I go out on my date.” He settled back in his chair looking expectantly pleased with himself.

“If you roll on a rotten fish, I don’t want you home that night. Be sure to swim around in the river for a while before you come back to the house. And I won’t let you in without giving you a bath, you disgusting dog.”

With an expression of consternation on his face, Smut pointed his cigar at me and said, “You’re criticizing my smell of choice? When you put on the stuff you use sometimes, I’m repulsed at the rank smell. It’s a wonder you don’t run women off with that stuff.”

I don’t much like the smell of what I use either, but the ads say it really attracts women. I guess what passes as cologne for men or dogs leaves a lot to be desired. But at least I don’t roll in mine.


SMUT HAMS IT UP

December 13, 2013

Mischief and I took a walk this afternoon. It was cold, wet and entirely uncomfortable, the kind of day Mischief favors. She is a Labrador retriever, and revels in cold weather, and finds the cold water of the Neuse River in December to be pleasant.

“Let’s go in the house,” I suggested after about ten minutes.

“Come on, let’s stay out a while,” she responded. “I haven’t identified all the new smells here since I returned from Greenville. Why did you dump us there last week?” she asked.

“Will and I wanted to eat oysters at home without your friend Smut competing with us for every one of them, so we left both of you in Greenville for a couple of days. But then I had the accident, and couldn’t fetch you for a few days.”

“Oh, yes, the accident,” she replied. “You fell off a pier and bumped your head, as if humans don’t do that every day. And except for a little cosmetic deterioration, you don’t look bad. You weren’t pretty to begin with. So don’t start again. I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but I—and probably everyone you’ve talked to over the past week—am fatigued at your constant talk about ‘the accident.’ Please just shut up about it. It’s over.”

“Point taken, Mischief,” I replied, a little annoyed that she would be so blunt. My human friends, of course, are too polite to tell me to shut up, even though they should, according to Mischief.

We walked a bit more, then I told her that I was cold and was going back to the house. “You can stay out by yourself,” I said.

“Okay, we’ll go back,” she said, sulking. “Guess we’d better check on Smut, anyway. No telling what he’s gotten into.”

Smut is my other lab, a sneaky and resourceful old dog who is a brilliant particle physicist, but in all other ways just a typical old lab.

As we entered the living room, I saw Smut scoot through the kitchen door and quickly flop into his easy chair. His fez was askew, and his smoking jacket was awry, but the look on his face was lazy and unconcerned.

“What are you up to, you old mutt,” I asked with acid suspicion.

“I was just getting some water,” he replied. “Why do you look so suspicious?”

“Because I know your tricks,” I said.

While Smut straightened his fez and adjusted his jacket, I looked in the kitchen. There on the floor in front of the refrigerator was a bone—all that was left of half a country ham.

I angrily returned to the living room and found Smut leaning back comfortably in his chair, legs crossed, puffing on a cigar, a glass of my 16-year-old Lagavulin in his other paw.

“You ate my country ham, you nasty dog,” I shouted at Smut. “That was going to be breakfast for days to come, and it’s gone! No grits and country ham with red-eye gravy! No country ham biscuits! No eggs and country ham!”

While he finished a swallow of whisky and exhaled a puff of smoke, Smut said calmly, “Well, you know I don’t like grits. And that ham was too salty for you.”

“But you didn’t leave me any,” Mischief whined at him.

Why can’t Smut just stick his tail between his legs and hang his head in shame like other dogs, I thought.


SMUT ASKS ABOUT OBAMACARE

November 9, 2013

Yesterday Smut, my black lab, asked me why people are arguing about Obamacare. “Smut,” I replied, “you’re a dog. It’s a complicated issue that you might not understand.”

We had just finished a long walk in the fields behind my house. Smut had donned his smoking jacket and was relaxing in his favorite easy chair, an unlit cigar in one paw, and an empty glass in another, clearly signaling that he wanted me to pour him a shot of Scotch whisky and give him a light.

Smut

Smut

After I had, with mild disgust, reinforced his bad habits, he crossed his hind legs, leaned back in the chair, puffed his cigar and took a sip of the whisky. “I am a dog,” he said, “and the subject may be complicated, but don’t forget that you’ve often depended on me to set you straight when you’ve been faced with a sticky problem for which you couldn’t find a solution. So humor me and answer my question, please.” It’s not easy living with a precocious dog.

“Well, Smut, it’s like this,” I told him. “Congress, both houses of which were controlled by the Democratic Party, passed a healthcare act in 2010 that contains over 11,000 pages that would create a stack of paper 3 feet tall. No one in Congress read it before voting on it. The Senate vote was held by the Senate leadership prematurely Christmas Eve 2009 in order to give the opposing party little notice or time to mount substantial opposition. The House then concurred in 2010, after the Speaker said that the House needed to pass the bill so they could know what was in it, and then the president signed the bill into law. The major provisions of the law take effect in 2014.”

“That seems to have been a rather sneaky way to pass a law,” Smut observed. “What is the objection to it?”

“Well, for one thing, it appears that health care for most middle-class Americans under the AFA will cost more than under the old system, which was really expensive. Another objection is that anyone who is eligible for coverage under AFA must sign up or pay a penalty. And it was promised that anyone who wanted to do so could keep the coverage that they had prior to AFA, but it turns out that was a false promise made in order to get support for the law.”

“Why does it have to be so complicated?” Smut asked. “Can’t people just go to their vets, I mean, doctors, and get treated? What’s so complicated about that?”

“Treatment is expensive and people have to buy insurance to be able to pay for treatment. And the insurance is very expensive. So the politicians said they would create a system in which the insurance would be cheaper and everyone could afford health care. But as the government always does when it gets involved in anything, it created a system that is so complex and with so many regulations, that the effect is opposite what was intended,” I stated, proud of my ability to explain the situation.

“Is it opposite what was intended?” Smut asked, with a smug look on his face.

“What do you mean, dog?” I asked, not quite understanding what he was getting at.

He uncrossed his hind legs, took a long sip of whisky, and leaned forward in the chair. “Did the politicians really intend to create a law that would benefit you, or did they intend to create another government bureaucracy in which they could give jobs to their friends, and extend more government control over your life?”

“Smut,” I replied, “they couldn’t really be so evil as to do that!”

“That’s what they do whenever they pass such a program into law,” he remarked laconically. With a smirk on his face, he settled back once again in his chair, drained the whisky from the glass, and took a long, slow puff of his cigar and slowly exhaled, generating a cloud of smoke that glowed from the light cast on it by the lamp on the end table next to his chair.

With the shock of sudden realization, I knew the old dog was right.

“Don’t ask me anymore questions, Smut,” I said. “You already know the answers to them.”


KNOW YOUR ENEMY AND WHAT PROTECTS YOU FROM IT

January 11, 2013

Any government is the natural enemy of its people’s liberty and freedoms. The objective of those in government, even if they’re not aware of it, is to centralize government control and consolidate its power, depriving its citizens of rights and freedoms in the process. If a people have nothing to protect them from their government, they are nothing but slaves.

The writers of the American constitution knew that. They had just dealt with an oppressive government, so the constitution was to be a contract between the American government and its people that would itemize what the government could do, and specifically prohibit it from doing certain things.

In the debate over ratification of the constitution, some saw that the constitution as written was insufficient to protect Americans’ liberty, so they proposed a Bill of Rights, the first ten amendments to the constitution. It is probable that the constitution would not have been ratified without those first ten amendments. Those amendments embody our best chance to remain free from government tyranny.

The constitution afforded Americans not only protections against the government depriving its citizens of their freedoms, but protection against the will of a misguided majority acting in haste to take away the freedoms of the minority.

Because a majority can act unwisely in an emotionally charged situation, changing the constitution requires that a proposed amendment be ratified by three-fourths of the states to become law. In this way, during the time required for ratification, cooler heads can prevail and an unwise change be averted.

The greatest danger to Americans comes when the people react without careful reflection in a crisis or as the result of an emotionally charged event, and the government, seizing the opportunity to take away freedoms, quickly passes laws or executive actions that abrogate constitutional protections.

Now some government officials and private citizens are suggesting executive action and/or passing laws in contravention of one of the first ten amendments. If changing one of our basic protections to our liberty is a good idea, then it should be done by an amendment to the constitution, not by government fiat.

Americans will remain free only as long as they demand that the government hold fast to the terms of the contract that protects us: the Constitution.


WHAT JUST DIDN’T HAPPEN, AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

November 7, 2012

It’s the day after the national election, and nothing’s changed. Obama’s still in the White House, the Republicans still control the House of Representatives and the Democrats still control the Senate. Oh, and the Cheshire Cat is still grinning in the tree.

The official presidential campaigns spent over $1 billion and nothing happened except that the TV networks got richer. We still will have gridlock for at least the next two years. (Things could change in 2014. The Democrats could regain control of the House, and in the event, if they retain control of the Senate, then it will be a replay of 2009 and 2010, in which period we got Obamacare.) God only knows what we would get if the Democrats regain control of Congress in 2014. But surely Americans are not so stupid as to do that again; in the election yesterday they kissed Obama’s ass big time, but still elected Republicans to control the House. All politics are local, it’s been said. Lest you think I’m pickin’ on the Democrats, I assure you I believe that were the Republicans in the same position, the fallout would be as bad, if slightly different.

But there is one thing looming that could cause big changes: A lame-duck Congress. It is the time when it could really rape us, as if we haven’t been fucked enough by Congress in the past 12 years (at least).

The lame-ducks will consider extending the FISA Amendments Act of 2008, a law that employs secret and unaccountable FISA courts and bureaucrats that authorize the federal government to spy on Americans with warrantless searches and forces libraries and internet providers to give the government information they want about Americans. The House already passed the extension, so will the Senate save us from this abomination? Don’t bet on it.

Congress failed to pass what Campaign for Liberty calls “the crown jewel in the national security police state,” cyber-security laws that would require internet providers to allow the federal government to see behind everything on the net. But you can be sure that Congress will try to pass it in the lame-duck session.

Republicans always have been statists to a significant degree (Bush got that constitution-screwing Patriot Act passed with the help of his Republican congressional majority), but the Democrats that were anti-statists during Vietnam have become even more statist than Republicans! We still have the Patriot Act even after two years of a Democratic president who had a Democrat-controlled Congress! Curious, isn’t it, that those who once were anti-establishment now are the establishment.

My Democrat friends will say that in this post I am lying about the Democratic Party and impugning the newly reelected president-who-can-do-no-wrong. My Republican friends will say that I am lying about the Republican Party. They all will defend the Patriot Act, the FISA Amendments Act, and the proposed cyber-security legislation as necessary for our security.

But how, then, will we be secure from our own government? If none of this happens in the lame-duck session, I will have fallen down the rabbit hole.


SMUT’S HUNTING A PLATYPUS

November 3, 2012

“Smut,” I said, “you are a truly amazing dog. It took you a while, but your dogged persistence in searching for the Higgs Boson paid off!” Smut, my black Labrador retriever, was sitting contentedly in his favorite easy chair, looking deep in thought, which meant to me that he was contemplating particle physics.

“Wasn’t really that amazing,” he said, looking up and taking a slow puff on his cigar. After adjusting his fez, he said, “It just takes a lot of concentration, and I’m uniquely designed for intense concentration. You’ve watched me in retriever mode often, so you know what I mean. By the way, good pun.”

“What pun?” I asked.

“Never mind,” he replied. “It’ll come to you.”

“Well, congratulations are in order anyway. And after spending years on the Higgs, and particularly after your cancer surgery in January, you deserve to, ah, lead a dog’s life for the rest of your time.”

Ignoring my pun, he looked at me reproachfully and said, “Can’t do it, sport. If I only have a little time left, then I have to really concentrate to find the platypus.” He straightened his smoking jacket and took another puff of his cigar, slowly exhaling the smoke away from me so as not to blow it in my face.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“The platypus particle, of course.”

“What’s that,” I said, clueless as to what he was talking about.

“Well,” he continued, “you know about leptons and hadrons, don’t you?” looking at me expectantly.

“No. Should I?”

“Yes, you should. I’ll explain.”

He crossed his paws and proceeded to explain in depth until I was completely lost in a morass of leptons, quarks, hadrons, positive charges, negative charges, and other mysterious terms I can’t remember. Finally, he appeared to be at the end of his baffling “explanation.”

“So, a particle could exist that is a bit like both leptons and quarks: a leptoquark,” the old dog finished, with a look of satisfaction at having enlightened me.

“Wait a minute, I said, I thought you were talking about leptons and hadrons.”

“You don’t listen, do you?” he replied, irritated that I had not understood. “I already explained that a quark is the basic building block of hadrons. Keep your car on the highway!”

“Oh, sorry,” I apologized, still baffled.

He calmed down a bit, sat back in the chair and tapped the ash from his cigar into an ashtray. “So discovering a leptoquark would be like discovering a platypus, a mammal that’s furry somewhat like a beaver, but that lays eggs like a duck. See?”

No, I didn’t really understand that leptoquark stuff, but I can see that now he’s going to be intent on retrieving a platypus, something I think is very odd for a Labrador. I just hope he doesn’t try to use my credit card to buy a ticket to Australia.